Outward Comfort for the Inward Ache
October 31st, 2022 • By Jamie Erickson
Grief is messy and complicated. It’s never linear, but instead it comes in fits and starts at all the wrong moments. One minute you’re standing in aisle nine at Target, and the next minute you are clinging to your cart in anguish as you realize that the last time you were in that exact same spot, you were with them—the one you loved who is no longer there to stand with you. The tears that had finally begun to dry up fall unbidden once again.
Two months ago, I lost my sister. She died after a courageous 7-year battle with breast cancer. Because of our ten-year age difference and a difficult childhood home life, she was more like a mother to me for most of my growing-up years. She was the keeper of all the funny jokes, she had no time for glass-is-half-empty talk, and if you messed with anyone she loved, you’d better be ready to duck and cover. She was my big gun, my bouncer at the door, my heavy-lifter for my entire life.
Our relationship was layered, making her death doubly difficult for me. She was a special kindness to me from a good God, and I miss her madly. But, I grieve with hope, knowing that the moment she took her last breath in this life, she was ushered into the loving arms of her Savior. She was home. She was healed. I’ll see her again someday.
Until then, the tears will continue to fall. My heart will continue to ache. Grief has become my ever-present, quiet companion, compelling me to lean into the supernatural comfort of God.
Moving Toward Others in their Grief
The truth is, grief can feel a lot like leprosy. When we’re hurting, people are afraid to get too close, as if they fear that grief and loss might rub off on them. It’s easier for friends and neighbors to look away. Change the channel. Unsubscribe. In their fear of saying the wrong thing, they often end up saying nothing at all.
But the grieving ones in our lives need us to show up, friend. They need us to believe, hope, and endure. We can’t shrink or cower in the face of their pain. We have to move towards it. We have to move towards them. We must stand with them in both the sun and the shadow of their days. We have to cacoon them in the comfort of the Comforter and remind them of the source of true joy.
God too knows the sting of loss and is acquainted with grief. He watched his only Son die the agonizing and unjust death of a criminal, after all. He bends low to hear every cry that tears from the lips of the broken-hearted (Ps. 116:2), and he gathers all their tears (Ps. 56:8). But, more often than not, they need to be told, or perhaps reminded of his great love.
“The grieving ones in our lives need us to show up.”
Holy Hygge: Bringing the Comfort of Christ
If you are a believer in Christ, you’ve been charged with dispensing that news. Comfort has become your birthright, and it’s now your job to be God’s ambassador of comfort to others. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 puts it this way, “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”
God holds all of our pain with kindness, and now we have the privilege of doing the same for others. One simple tool that can help us do that is hygge (pronounced HYOO-guh), a Danish lifestyle practice that engenders feelings of coziness, contentment, and, most of all, comfort. At its core, hygge recognizes that the outer life will always affect the inner life. It mimics the love of Jesus who met the needs in people’s hands in order to prove his authority in meeting the need in their hearts. When he multiplied fish and loaves, healed withered legs, and gave sight to blind eyes, Jesus ministered to the physical needs of others. In doing so, he paved the way for healing their deep soul ache.
Hygge can’t put an end to suffering and grief. It’s merely a veneer. But, it can provide tangible tools for bringing the touch of Christ to the lives of hurting ones.
As we prepare to comfort others, let’s not forget that death can come in many forms. It’s not limited to the physical loss of a loved one. At any given moment, our family, friends, and neighbors could be grieving the death of a relationship, the death of a job, or the death of a dream. We may not always know where to put our hands to stop the bleeding, but we can help ease a person’s pain in many practical ways. Hygge can help us provide small gifts of care in order to show Christ’s love in big lavish ways.
“We may not always know where to put our hands to stop the bleeding, but we can help ease a person’s pain in many practical ways. ”
The Help Of Hygge For The Hurting Ones
When their world totters, it’s only natural for our family, friends, and neighbors to begin to flounder. Simple tasks become brain-breaking business. With the help of hygge, you and I can provide them with the unshakeable comfort of Jesus. Here are a few ideas for bringing hope to the hurting ones.
Write a card of condolence.
Deliver a homemade meal in disposable containers.
Provide a gift card to a local restaurant.
Set up a meal delivery plan for them using an online program like Meal Train or Take Them a Meal. Spread the word so that others can contribute by sharing a link to the plan on social media.
Drop by their home or work with their favorite hot drink.
Offer to babysit their kids for the afternoon.
Ask them to share a favorite memory of the person who passed away.
Purchase a sapling of their favorite tree and plant it in their yard or near their home in honor of their loved one.
Commit to sending them a text on the same day each week for a particular length of time.
Offer to go with them to do the difficult but necessary post-death tasks like ordering a casket, buying funeral flowers, registering the death at the registrar’s office, etc.
Create a handmade memento of their loved one like a digital photo album, a scrap quilt made from the person’s clothing, or a keepsake box.
If they must travel for a funeral, provide a gas card, travel snacks, or loose change for toll booths.
If they will be hosting out-of-town relatives for a funeral, offer to help clean their house, provide disposable paper products or extra bedding, or extend to them the use of your car to help with the transportation of a crowd.
Recognize particular milestones throughout the year like the loved one’s birthday or the date of their death.
Sit with them in the silence of grief.
Two months ago, I lost my sister. In my sorrow, I learned two things. The first is this: the gospel is big enough to hold up all our hurts. The pain of this world does not get to have the last word. Not in my sister’s life. Not in my life. And the second? Love is a verb and is best lived out in workaday ways. It doesn’t have to be flashy. It just needs to be faithful. It just has to show up. Hygge is not a necessary component to healing the hurt of searing loss. But, it certainly helps. If we let it, the comfort we provide to those in grief can be a tangible tool to show them the love of Christ.
The cross has overcome the grave, friend. All praise to the God of both the beginnings and the ends!
When she’s not curating memories, hoarding vintage books, or playing ringmaster to a circus of her own making, Jamie Erickson can be found encouraging and equipping a growing tribe of mothers all across the globe on the Mom to Mom podcast, through her blog The Unlikely Homeschool, at national conferences, and in her book new book Holy Hygge: Creating a Place for People to Gather and the Gospel to Grow. In addition to writing and speaking, Jamie loves talking faith and family over a cup of Starbucks’ finest, collecting calories around a table full of friends, and taking grueling hikes with her husband, Dain, and their five kids (because alas, calories don’t display very nicely on a shelf like other collections).
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