07. Dealing with Difficult People with Jamie Dunlop
Today we’re talking to Jamie Dunlop about one of the things that we can all probably say contributes to weariness in our lives: dealing with difficult people. Instead of running away from the relationships that drive us crazy, Jamie encourages us to pursue unity in Christ and to build genuine friendships across all of our differences as an opportunity to display the power of the gospel. Jamie serves as Associate Pastor at Capitol Hill Baptist Church in Washington, DC, and is the author of Love the Ones Who Drive You Crazy. We pray this conversation encourages you to extend a hand of friendship across the aisle and move toward members of your local church in love.
INTERVIEW QUESTIONS
What are a few examples of conflicts or differences in our churches that might contribute to feelings of fatigue, frustration, or weariness in ministry? Why did God put different people in our churches?
What encouragement do you have for those who are trying, but struggling, to love the people they're ministering to because of differences?
How can we pursue Christ-exalting unity and choose to love people who drive us crazy?
How can turmoil within our churches actually be evidence of faith? How can signs of disagreement actually be an encouragement instead of pure disappointment?
How does God use our differences to showcase his gospel power?
How might remembering that church is not just about what it does for us or what it produces help to protect us from weariness? What is church about? What happens when we recover God's purpose for our churches?
How does love despite our differences, especially when we're feeling weary, offer a powerful picture of the worthiness of Christ?
What are some things we might mistakenly focus on that might be exacerbating feelings of weariness?
How does the gospel empower and compel us to love across differences, especially when we don't feel like we have the strength to do that?
How does practicing gratitude for all we've received in Christ change our attitudes and empower us for service?
How can we choose Christ over comfort in our church relationships and pursue gospel-friendship?
How does the gospel make it possible to call those who drive us crazy friends?
NOTES & QUOTES
“It's God's power in the community of the local church that makes the gospel attractive.”
“It's particularly loving people with whom we share little in common other than Christ that shows off the power of the gospel.”
“We're not going to try to resolve all these disagreements. We're going to try to love each other despite these disagreements. And as we do that, as we show that being in accord with Christ Jesus is enough to live in harmony with one another, that's how with one voice we glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.”
“God is so great that he can throw brand new Jewish Christians in the Roman church and brand new Gentile Christians in the Roman church who don't understand each other and have a long history of discord. And though it's not easy, the gospel is powerful enough. Jesus Christ is beautiful enough to bring them together and that shows off who he is.”
“You recognize that you're a sinner and that Jesus died for your sin at the cost of his life, though you deserved none of that—you deserved hell. As we lean into the mercy God has shown us, that's how we show mercy to others.”
“Jesus says, “Be merciful as your heavenly father is merciful.” That's where our mercy comes from.”
“God did put us together in the church, and I can trust his choice. And as we continue to pursue love for each other in the local church, eventually we'll discover the oneness we have in Christ to be bigger than the differences that divide us. I can trust God's choice in that.”
“I could look at someone's weaknesses, deficiencies, differences, and be frustrated with them. Or I can begin to see the faith that is motivating growth in their lives. And through hope of what God is doing, I can actually find real affection.”
Lauren: “Jamie mentioned some passages of Scripture from Romans chapter 12 and 15. These are passages that give us such robust and practical encouragement when it comes to living out what we’re talking about in this episode—loving others, especially those who might be more difficult to love. Paul does such a good job of exhorting us toward this end, so I’m going to read some of his words, directly from the book of Romans. This is from Romans chapter 12: “For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another.” With that said, Paul goes on, “Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” The kind of love Paul calls us to here is hard. It’s a humble, lowly, self-giving type of love. But by walking by the Spirit and leaning on his strength, we can love others in this way. Later in Romans chapter 15 Paul goes on: “We who are strong have an obligation to bear with the failings of the weak, and not to please ourselves. Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, to build him up.” And then… “May the God of endurance and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus, that together you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore welcome one another as Christ has welcomed you, for the glory of God.” For the glory of God. Let it be so. May we all pursue to love others—even those who are different from us—so that through our love God might be glorified.”
“When we show that differences that this world fans into flame should not divide the church, then God gets glory and people notice.”
“God's purpose for the church is to be a display of his glory.”
“You know, we can divide the church into homeschoolers over here and public schoolers over there. We can divide into a church of this political stream versus that. You can just imagine where that takes us. And yet if I realize that the church is fundamentally a display of the beauty of our Savior, it gives me a lot more patience and enthusiasm for working through some of those differences.”
“Think about Jesus in John 13. He says, “By this all people know that you're my disciples, by your love for one another, right?” So as we love—particularly as we love the people the world would say, “I don't know why you're loving that person”—it's evangelistic in nature. These things are not separate. They're very much together.”
“Loving the ones at church who we wouldn't otherwise love except for the fact that we're Christians is actually a particularly powerful demonstration of the beauty of Jesus.”
“‘Let love be genuine’ is so useful, right? You can't white-knuckle your way to genuine love. That's a gift of the Spirit. It's something we discover in our oneness of Christ. It's not that I just make happen.”
“As 1 John 4 says, “We love because he first loved us.” As I understand how he's loved me, even in the midst of that particular sin. I think that creates love in my heart that can result in affection for that person.”
Lauren: “How does the love of Christ actually compel us to love others? Because I think, as Christians, we can read and say and memorize verses like 1 John 4:19—”We love because he first loved us”—and yet we can have a really hard time actually making this connection of how God’s love compels us to love others. At least for me, the conversation in this episode has been so convicting, because to be honest, I think of myself as a really loving person…that is, until I’m confronted with someone who is difficult to love. As soon as that happens, I realize that what I thought was genuine love flowing sacrificially out of my heart was actually just an ease of connection or a person who felt natural and easy for me to love. But when I’m seeking to love someone and it’s difficult…I truly see my need to rely on the Spirit, on the strength Christ supplies, in order to love that person. I realize that the overflow of love never came from me anyway…. I think at the crux of all of this is the Spirit. Yes, it’s vital that we intellectually know the gospel truths—that Christ showed ultimate sacrificial love for us on the cross and that that love should compel us to love too. Yes, it’s important to read Scripture and memorize those 1 John 4 and 1 Corinthians 13 verses about love. But at the end of the day, what is it that enables us to actually walk out this kind of love? It’s the Spirit. It’s God with us and God in us that enables us to do this. It’s not us. It’s him. The love doesn’t actually originate from within us. It comes from him. So wherever it is that you’re attempting to have this love, whoever that person is that you’re seeking to love, I hope that you’ll look to Christ, look to the strength of the Spirit in you, and allow the beautiful love of God to flow through you.”
“I look back and I just think about all the ways that I messed things up and I didn't see things clearly. And yet Jesus was so patient with me and encouraged me in my growth and encouraged me through his Word. Looking back to see his patience is helpful in the present to understand my need for him.”
“Being in ministry to meet the needs of the people around me helps me understand the needs I have. Because when my heart is joined with others and they are struggling, then my need for Christ is not just the extent of my own life—it's their life too. I find that I'm extra desperate in prayer because I need not just for myself, but for others. And that's a really healthy place to be, to just live in that constant feeling of desperation for the grace of God.”
“The purpose of that commonality is that you can push harder and faster after Jesus together.”
“Friendships where you share little in common other than Christ have the potential to be your deepest friendships.”
SCRIPTURE
“May the God of endurance and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus, that together you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore welcome one another as Christ has welcomed you, for the glory of God.” Romans 15:5-7
“For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have?” Matthew 5:46
RESOURCES
Love the Ones Who Drive You Crazy by Jamie Dunlop
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
Have you ever experienced conflict or differences with others within your church context? How have you walked through that?
How have you experienced gospel-centered unity with other Christians in spite of how different you are?
Where in Scripture do you see Christ loving others despite their differences or difficulties? How does that encourage you?
How and why does the gospel practically empower us to love across differences?
What might you do or implement based on what you learned in this week’s episode?
IMPORTANT NOTE
Journeywomen interviews are intended to serve as a springboard for continued study in the context of your local church. While we carefully select guests each week, interviews do not imply Journeywomen's endorsement of all writings and positions of the interviewee or any other resources mentioned.
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