Marriage with Carla Weathersbee
On this episode of the Journeywomen podcast I had the privilege of chatting with Carla Weathersbee, a family friend and expert on marriage. We talked about everything from the purpose of marriage and how marriage points us to the Gospel to fighting for oneness within our unique marriages. Carla and her husband Byron founded Legacy Family Ministries to pass Biblical principles from one generation to another through marriage preparation classes and Family Camps. Carla serves as Executive Director of Summers Mill Retreat and Conference Center. She leads the women’s ministry in their church, teaches a weekly Bible study, and disciples young women. Together, the Weathersbees have written and developed various marriage prep resources over the past 20 years while working directly with pre-engaged and engaged couples. All of that to say, Carla’s got a lot to say about marriage and I cannot wait for ya’ll to get to hear from her!
Call you tell us a little about your marriage and the ministry God has given you and Byron?
What’s the purpose of marriage? How does marriage point us to the Gospel?
What are some common misperceptions or beliefs about marriage?
Where can we go to get a right perspective on marriage and what it should look like?
What would you say are some foundational pillars for marriage?
Will the way this fleshes itself out look differently within the context of each marriage relationship?
How do you and Byron protect and fight for oneness in your marriage? Has that always been easy for you guys? Can we talk about submission? What are we called to as wives?
What are some seasons of marriage that might be particularly challenging? How do you navigate particularly difficult seasons of marriage? What have you found helpful for yourself and for the couples you’re counseling?
If you had to pick one, what is the absolute best thing we can do for our marriages? What’s the best thing we can do to develop ourselves as a spouse/for our spouse?
Can you speak to the woman who feels discouraged in her marriage right now? What encouragement do you have for her? What encouragement do you have for all of us when things get difficult?
What is the joy and delight of fighting for our marriages? What is the aim/goal of doing so?
THREE QUESTIONS I ASK EVERY GUEST
What 3 resources would you recommend regarding marriage?
What are 3 of your simple joys?
Who has had the biggest influence on your own journey with Jesus?
NOTEWORTHY QUOTES
“[Elizabeth Elliot] said something that really transformed me…‘Trials and pain and difficulty are God’s chariots waiting to take us to heavenly places.’”
“You can see in Genesis 2, whenever God created marriage, Adam was in the garden and sin hadn’t entered the world and God looks at Adam and all of creation and says, ‘This is good’, but He looks at Adam and says ‘This is not good’. What He was referring to was Adam’s aloneness. So, he didn’t give Adam another job or more animals, He created a woman and brought her to Adam and that’s where He created the first marriage to care for man’s aloneness.”
“I think one of God’s purposes of marriage is to help us have someone to journey through life with, that we can build a godly legacy with, someone that we can be an example of how Christ loves the Church.”
“We can see another purpose of marriage in Ephesians (5:31) where Paul tells them for this reason ‘a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’. He goes on to say, ‘This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.’ (5:32)
“Our marriages are about a much bigger picture than just our own personal happiness, and that transcends the whole idea of marriage to a much more sacred, deeper, joyful calling.”
“One of the misperceptions is that if I get married then all of my problems will go away, my life will be so much easier, I’ll be more complete, I’ll have everything I want and I’m not good unless I’m married. Marriage was never meant to be something that completes us.”
“Marriage, like no other relationship, exposes our hearts and demands our growth.”
“I like what Tim Keller said, ‘Marriage is the Mack truck driving through your life revealing your flaws and humbling your reactions.’”
“We give an illustration called ‘true north’. When you set off on a journey you have a destination you want to reach...often times true north is a fixed position, where maps are set. If you’re flying an airplane you always want to make adjustments from what true north says, which is the map, to what magnetic north says, which is the compass. They always are adjusting their compass back to true north. Magnetic north is about 1500 miles away from true north, so you’re always making those adjustments back to true north. So, I think in our culture there are so many voices screaming at us that feel like magnetic north. The Bible says ‘there’s a way that seems right to man but in the end it leads to death’ (Proverbs 14:12).”
“When we constantly make adjustments to true north, it’s getting our perspective from the Bible. God gave us His Word as an absolute and it never changes, it’s an anchor for us, so we’re constantly asking God to give us eyes of faith to trust what You say and to ‘lean not on our own understanding’ (Proverbs 3:5) here in our financial decisions, to give us the grace to make wise decisions and not get caught up in the crazy pace of life that a lot of couples try to do and it robs them of the intimacy with each other and with their kids.”
“Proverbs 24:3-4 and Proverbs 2:6... remember these rare and beautiful treasures are not found apart from having a fear of God--that you treasure and value what God says more than you treasure and value what your parents handed to you, what your best friends are doing, what the culture says they’re doing, what seems right to you... you’re fighting against what you can see with your tangible eyes and you’re trusting your eyes of faith.”
“Matthew 6:33... A lot of us go about seeking the financial security or approval of man, we try to build our home on shaky foundations that God says if you just seek Me first, if you’ll align yourself with My kingdom and My righteousness, then like C.S. Lewis said, ‘When first things are put first, second things are not suppressed but increased.’ (Letters of C.S. Lewis)”
“Another foundational pillar to marriage are these three statements: I am sorry, I was wrong, Will you forgive me?... It’s hard for us to offer that unless we’ve first received that ourselves.”
“You have to really come to say that you’re not going to compare yourself to other people or your husband to other husbands, comparison is the thief of joy. If we’re constantly looking at other people to see how they’re doing it instead of having joy in where God has us and security in knowing that this is our journey and our marriage, knowing it’s going to look differently than others.”
“Expectation breeds contempt and disappoint, unrealistic expectations especially.”
“If we’re expecting something from our spouse and they don’t know it, that’s not fair to them. The bible characterizes our thinking sometimes, apart from Christ, as futile. In Ephesians Paul calls it futile thinking, deceitful desires, and darkened understanding (Eph 4:17-18). Those things can derail us so much. Ask the Lord where your darkened understanding is... isn’t it easy to ruminate over and over these things instead of focusing your mind on what is good and right.”
“Replace indictment with curiosity... saying ‘I wonder what’s going on in his life that’s causing him to feel this way, how can I minister to him?’”
“Oneness does not equal sameness.”
“Sometimes those things that attract us to each other in the beginning become irritants later, and we have to not just accommodate them but live with them and be one with them in those differences, but learning to appreciate those differences is so important and letting the other person be who they fully are.”
“As wives I don’t think we’re called to be doormats or to check our brains at the door and let our husbands call all the shots, we’re partners in this together. If you look at Ephesians 5:21 says we’re to submit to one another out of love for Christ, so there’s this supernatural, mutual learning to hear one another and supporting one another. But wives are told to submit to the headship of our husbands, and that’s a hard thing because we want to be in control. It’s releasing that need to control every single part and that attitude of submission begins in entrusting yourself to God deeply.”
“Don’t be afraid to go to counseling... it’s so wise to sit down with someone that is trained and can ask the right questions to help lead you to uncover things. We never realize how much the homes we grew up in influence us.”
“Remember there are three people in your marriage. Jesus is there. He’s your Comforter, He’s your strength that helps you overcome the darkness that threatens you to just want to shut down.”
“Your power to persevere, as Gary Thomas would say, depends on what kingdom you’re living for, if you’re living for the kingdom of self or the kingdom of God. You’ll have more power to persevere if you’re doing it to please God and say I’m trusting You in this and I’m doing this because You did it for me.”
“Develop a strong spiritual core where your confidence, security, and identity rest not on your husband or your kids, but it rests on the truth of God’s Word and who He says you are, because weak spouses usually forfeit their influence.”
“Get away together often.”
“To all the young moms out there... it’s so easy to put your husband on the back burner because physically the amount of energy it takes to raise these young children takes it all out of you... but if you can do everything you can to make room for little moments that just communicate to him ‘I love you, I am here for you’ and not become a child-centered family. God’s plan when that baby was born into your family is for that baby to one day grow up and leave you, but God’s plan for marriage is for you to grow closer and closer until death do you part. The best gift you can give your children is a strong, healthy marriage.”
“Know that you have powerful influence over your husband. There’s a difference between trying to change them and trying to influence them. Trying to change them will only diminish the intimacy in your marriage, but to really influence them is knowing that you have one source who will never leave you or forsake you or walk out on you. He will be there for you to give you the strength and courage and hope you need. God is with you in the battle.”
“Your ultimate sense of wellbeing and joy can be found in a place other than your marriage, there is hope in that.”
“‘Worship preserves the heart.’ (Gary Thomas) Our hearts can become so hardened, bitter, and hurt that we wall ourselves off from our husbands... but if we will keep our eyes on Him and worship Him (which doesn’t just mean go to a Sunday morning service) but it means putting yourself under the faucet where you can receive the deep abundant provision that He has for you.”
CARLA'S RESOURCES
What’s It Like to Be Married to Me? by Linda Dillow
Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas
E.V. Hill preaching his wife’s funeral
SIMPLE JOYS
Having people in my home
Golf cart rides / being in nature
Kombucha and Brookside Chocolate
IMPORTANT NOTE
Journeywomen interviews are intended to serve as a springboard for continued study in the context of your local church. While we carefully select guests each week, interviews do not imply Journeywomen's endorsement of all writings and positions of the interviewee or any other resources mentioned.
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