How to Bear Burdens Without Being Crushed
I can pinpoint the exact moment I felt the first symptoms of shingles. I was in my car, and that week I had heard five disclosures of sin, addiction, and trauma from young women at my church. This came after several years of discipling a group of college girls, many of whom had similar stories. The five disclosures in one week triggered feelings of overwhelm, and unproductive thoughts and emotions quickly rose to the surface. But in the midst of it, God was faithful to use the heaviness of that season to deeply refine me.
Galatians 6:2 commands believers to “bear one another’s burdens.” But how, practically, can we bear the burdens of others without being crushed by them?
While contracting shingles was an obvious sign that I was internalizing stress, it prompted me to examine the story I was telling myself about my role as a friend, a small group leader, and a mentor. I had to distinguish between what is my responsibility and what is the responsibility of another person. While I am responsible to others as a sister in Christ, I am not responsible for them. I am not someone’s Savior, Holy Spirit, or parent, and I do not need to function as though these are my roles.
As you consider how to bear burdens without being buried by them, here are three lessons I’ve learned the hard way.
“In fifteen years of ministry, I have seen God work through me, but I have also seen him work despite me.”
1. Cultivate Healthiness in Your Own Life
In fifteen years of ministry, I have seen God work through me, but I have also seen him work despite me, particularly in seasons of unhealthiness. As we journey with people, we won’t always be our best selves, and it’s unrealistic to think otherwise. However, there’s a difference in me being affected by a poor night’s sleep versus when I am overcommitted and functioning out of my perfectionism, self-reliance, and pride.
We can also have a variety of motivations for why we walk alongside hurting people. We can truly want to help someone, but we can also have mixed motives. This can range from self-medicating with busyness to helping because it makes us feel significant, needed, or affirmed. Being aware of our own heart can help with boundary setting and with acknowledging if we are even at a healthy enough place to walk alongside someone.
As you read this, pause for a moment to check in with your body. Are any of your muscles clenching, or are you relaxed? Is your breathing rapid and shallow, or are you breathing slowly and from your diaphragm? Would you describe how you’ve lived this week as being emotionally regulated or as being emotionally dysregulated? Does a difficulty in controlling your emotions, thoughts, and actions describe how you regularly function or how you sometimes function?
These questions operate as a check-in with yourself, and depending on your responses, it might be beneficial to spend some time cultivating greater healthiness in your life. I am not saying you have to be 100% emotionally healthy in order to walk alongside a hurting person, but I am encouraging you to take time to put on your own oxygen mask before trying to assist someone else with theirs. Operating from an emotionally empty position hinders me from effectively bearing burdens with someone, for if I am struggling to carry my own load, how can I expect to help someone else carry theirs?
2. Educate Yourself
A minister’s wife recently relayed to me stories of situations where she felt ill equipped to care for others. She didn’t have counseling training and lacked knowledge about things such as bipolar disorder and sexual addiction, but being in a rural community that lacked solid counseling resources, she felt the pressure to care for the people God had brought into her life. Burden-bearing can leave you helpless and overwhelmed as you observe people in extreme pain and find yourself unable to fix their problems, heal their pain, or even identify a next step.
While burden-bearing doesn’t necessitate being an expert or having all the answers, it can be helpful to educate yourself, particularly when you’re walking with someone long-term.
A few years ago, a friend of mine decided to report her abuser to the police. Knowing that this would likely trigger PTSD symptoms, she asked those in her support system to read a particular book on sexual abuse in order to provide a point of reference for what she would be going through. Whether it’s books, articles, or podcasts, one way you can love the person you’re walking alongside is to learn about them and about what they’re experiencing. It can help you to empathize, and it provides context for what is normative for people who experience similar things. If you want a place to start, a helpful general resource for caring for people is Side by Side by Edward Welch.
“As you bear burdens with people, God will not only use you to care for others, he will also grow you in the process.”
3. Be Present with Them
You may not always know what to say, but you can show up for people and be with them. You can offer to watch a movie, go for a walk, or craft with them and not talk about anything serious (if that would be preferable to them). Sitting with people while they cry and offering a hug can often minister more to people than a conversation can.
While the ministry of presence is valuable, we need wisdom to do this well. For example, I don’t need to be the only one walking alongside a hurting person, for I won’t always be available (nor should I be). Helping people identify and establish a social support system is part of ministering to them. They need the body of Christ to come alongside them, not just me as one body part. Furthermore, having others involved wards against codependency and burnout.
Being present with people also means that I follow up and follow through with them. I’ve seen disclosure conversations be handled extremely well, only for the hurting person to later be ghosted by the hearer of their disclosure. When we do this, we exacerbate a person’s pain, inflict shame, communicate rejection, foster insecurity, and unintentionally express to people that they’re “too much.” If there is going to be a delay in your follow-through, communicate this, and don’t leave a person wondering if you’ve forgotten them or if you care.
As we sit with people, we may realize that the conversations repeatedly follow the same format, where the person wants to talk about their issues more than they want to do anything about them. At such times, it can be helpful to establish conversational boundaries. For example, I will express that our next conversation will only occur after they’ve taken or have attempted to take a pre-identified next step. People might express a desire to change, but do they follow through with action? While I can speak truth to people and pray for them, I cannot carry their load for them. As our church’s women’s minister wisely says, “We cannot work harder on other people’s problems than they do.”
As you bear burdens with people, God will not only use you to care for others, he will also grow you in the process. Sometimes (as with me when I had shingles), relationships with hurting people bring to light beliefs, emotions, and blind spots that God wants to refine in you. Sometimes, there are theological truths that he wants you and the hurting person to know experientially rather than just intellectually. Sometimes, you won’t ever know what he is doing or the reasons behind it.
But as you bear burdens with people, remember: You do not do so alone. God is with you, and he deeply cares for you and for the person you are journeying alongside.
Ashley Chesnut serves as the Associate Young Adult Minister at The Church at Brook Hills in Birmingham, Alabama, and she’s the author of It's Not Just You: Freeing Women to Talk about Sexual Sin and Fight It Well. She has a Master of Divinity from Beeson Divinity School, a Certificate of Biblical Counseling from Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary, and is currently working on a Doctor of Ministry in Spiritual Formation at Denver Seminary. When she's not at the church or meeting with girls, you can probably find her at the farmer's market or trying some new local restaurant.
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