In the Wake of Church Hurt…You Need the Church
Note: This article includes mention of spiritual trauma. Please be aware of this before you read, and consider clicking away if you need to protect your heart. If you have experienced trauma (including spiritual trauma or abuse) it might be wise for you to pursue clinically-informed counselors to help you process and navigate moving forward.
I told my story over coffee and eggs, trembling as I spoke. I felt cold, yet relentlessly sticky with sweat. I feared being vulnerable—to be known, especially by a church leader. The natural transparency in me had been squandered and scared away.
“I hope our church will be a place where you guys can heal.” The gentle words of our new pastor fell upon my heart like a soft blanket, adding a little comfort to a time of suffering. For the first time in months, I began to hope for a future with a new church. An inkling of belief that we might find community again lit up in my heart. But my fear of getting hurt—no, more than that, trampled—by those called to shepherd me remained a close companion.
Spiritual abuse is destructive, its scars long-lasting.
Why Some are Walking Away From the Church
Many men and women are walking through the effects of spiritual abuse and in their pain, abandoning the Church. Heartbreakingly, many are also walking away from the Head of the Church, Jesus Christ, forsaking Christianity altogether.
Spiritual abuse damages people. For clarity, Michael Kruger’s definition of this problem is helpful. In his book Bully Pulpit he says, “Spiritual abuse is when a spiritual leader—such as a pastor, elder, or head of a Christian organization—wields his position of spiritual authority in such a way that he manipulates, domineers, bullies, and intimidates those under him as a means of maintaining his own power and control, even if he is convinced he is seeking biblical and kingdom-related goals.”
It’s not difficult to see why someone would flee a church when considering the harm that can be caused at the hands of some church leaders. After all, the people who were supposed to speak for God hurt them. They were called by God to shepherd the flock, but instead abused the sheep. This is utterly damaging and often leads to disillusionment. Some stay for a while, sitting silently in pews, hoping things will get better—but their hopes are dashed each Sunday.
People who have been spiritually abused fear speaking up, yet feel uneasy about staying silent. They fear retaliation, character assassination, and further isolation. The truth is, many times when someone draws attention to red flags, people accuse them of acting divisively. Many church-goers take the side of the leader or pastor, ignoring the cries of their fellow saint. This only further pushes them away from the body of Christ.
It’s also normal to fear that a different church will only cause further harm. This means they can’t stay at their current place of worship, yet feel terrified to attend somewhere else. This is especially hard if their closest friends attend the same church and feel they can no longer remain close with them once they leave. Their community is essentially swallowed up in the effects of abuse. Many start to wonder, “Maybe it will hurt less to just be alone.” And they vow to never step foot in a church again.
“Jesus is our Head; we are the body. And we need each other.”
We Need the Church
Sadly, when those of us who’ve been spiritually abused walk away from the Church, we forfeit God’s best for our lives. We miss out on true healing that comes only from being a part of the body of Christ.
In his first letter to the Corinthians, Paul explained that the body has many parts. We each have varying roles and gifts to contribute, and every single one of us holds value. He said, “The eye cannot say to the hand, ‘I have no need of you,’ nor again the head to the feet, ‘I have no need of you’” (v. 21). This also means we cannot say to the rest of Christ’s body, “I don’t need you,” either.
Scripture consistently shows us that those who have repented of their sin and turned to Jesus to save them make up the Church, the body of Christ (1 Cor. 12:12-13, Rom. 12:4-5). He is our Head; we are the body (Col. 1:18; Eph. 1:22; 1 Cor. 12:18-20). And we need each other (1 Cor. 12:14-26).
In Ephesians, Paul’s words remind us of our allotted gifts, given to us by God to build up the Church, saying, “We are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love” (Eph. 4:15-16).
In order to grow in our faith and to heal the deep wounds of abuse, we must be in community with a local church. It doesn’t need to be the same church in which the spiritual abuse took place, but it’s important to find one where we can heal, rest, serve, and be served. Hebrews 10:24-25 encourages us to “consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.”
Neglecting to gather with other believers as a local church not only harms us, but also the whole body.
“When shepherds wound us, Jesus holds us. He doesn’t turn a blind eye; we can trust him to bring about justice, resting in his embrace. He is the Good Shepherd.”
When Shepherds Wound
I sat in our new church listening to the sermon when one of the elders read our church covenant. It was nearly verbatim to our previous church’s. My heart raced and my chest tightened. Memories rushed in and sadness flooded my heart. Would they treat their congregants harshly, too? Would they lord their authority over us? What if I get hurt again?
Though my husband and I are now members of a wonderful, healthy church, my ears still perk up at certain passages, phrases, and words. Though I believe Scripture whole-heartedly, I’ve witnessed how easily it can be wielded as a weapon to manipulate and control. Maybe you have too. Are you heartbroken, scared, or angry about what you’ve seen? I’ve been there. I’ve wrestled with God over why his people—shepherds even—can do such harm. I’ve asked him if he cares.
He gives us an answer in his Word.
Ezekiel 34 starts with a prophecy against the shepherds of Israel. God accused them of many things, including ruling harshly (v. 4). He declared, “Behold, I am against the shepherds, and I will require my sheep at their hand and put a stop to their feeding the sheep. No longer shall the shepherds feed themselves. I will rescue my sheep from their mouths, that they may not be food for them” (v. 10). This shows us God is against shepherds who harm his sheep. God hates spiritual abuse. His answer doesn’t end there though. He leads us to hope:
“For thus says the Lord GOD: Behold, I, I myself will search for my sheep and will seek them out. As a shepherd seeks out his flock when he is among his sheep that have been scattered, so will I seek out my sheep, and I will rescue them…I myself will be the shepherd of my sheep, and I myself will make them lie down, declares the Lord GOD. I will seek the lost, and I will bring back the strayed, and I will bind up the injured, and I will strengthen the weak, and the fat and the strong I will destroy. I will feed them in justice” (vs. 11-12, 16)
The immediate context of this passage is following the fall of Jerusalem via the Babylonian captivity in 586 BC. God promises to search out the people of Jerusalem just as a shepherd searches for his lost sheep. But God, through the prophet Ezekiel, alluded to something more astonishing than being rescued from physical enemies. He promised to send the Messiah to seek and save the lost from their sin. He sent his Son to be the Shepherd the leaders in Israel could never be: the Good Shepherd.
“I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. He who is a hired hand and not a shepherd, who does not own the sheep, sees the wolf coming and leaves the sheep and flees, and the wolf snatches them and scatters them. He flees because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep. I am the good shepherd.” (John 10:11–15)
When shepherds wound us, Jesus holds us. He doesn’t turn a blind eye; we can trust him to bring about justice, resting in his embrace. He is the Good Shepherd.
Church Hurts
The truth is, sometimes I’m scared. Sometimes, I want to hide in self-protection. But to trust God doesn’t mean all our fears fall off our backs. It simply means we move forward in faithfulness by clinging to the Faithful One. We walk through the doors of church knowing that no matter what happens between those walls, God will shepherd us through it all.
I can’t promise you that you won’t get hurt again at a different church. Spiritual abuse pops up in every single denomination. It can be in big or small churches—even a house church. It’s scary to step out in faith knowing you may end up in tears with a heart full of grief again.
But you and I need the Church, even in—especially in—the wake of our church hurt. We cannot truly heal when isolated from the body given to us by God to build us up. It’s scary, but our Good Shepherd leads us toward healing. He goes before us and hems us in, every shaky step of the way.
Brittany Allen is a wife to James, mom of two hilarious boys, and a writer. She’s the author of a forthcoming book on miscarriage. You can read more from her on her website at https://brittleeallen.com/ or subscribe to her newsletter, Treasuring Christ Newsletter, via Substack.
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