How to Respond to Words of Offense
February 6th, 2023 • by Sharon ide
The other day I grumbled about my “mom pooch,” yet again. My husband replied in a very calm and matter of fact fashion, “What are you going to do about it?”
I responded with a literal scowl. I had no words to say. This man knows that despite having time and ability, I do not exercise with any regularity. He knows that I can often be found eating potato chips and ice cream at the kitchen table after the day’s work is done. But even if he had not known those things, it still would have been a completely fair and productive question to ask.
So why such offense?
A Culture of Exaggeration
“Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.” (Prov 19:11)
It’s possible that we have become more easily offended because the internet and media at large train us to believe that we are always beautiful, queens, goddesses! While there is great value in recognizing that the imago dei should be treasured in each human, one look at the comment section of a posing woman’s post shows us our society has adopted exaggeration as normal speech. Our souls are not helped by such pandering flattery.
“A man who flatters his neighbor spreads a net for his feet.” (Prov 29:5)
Instead, the Bible commands a different kind of speech from us. Not one of lying by omission, adulation, or one too many fire emojis, but of truth-telling through admonishment.
“Instead of being quick to anger, we ought to praise God when that exhortation comes from our loved ones.”
A Biblical Example of Admonishment
“Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom” (Col 3:16a)
Admonishing: warning, advising, reprimanding, urging
Regardless of what kind of speech the culture says is preferable, we should desire to hear wise and righteous words of warning and advice. Instead of being quick to anger, we ought to praise God when that exhortation comes from our loved ones. They know us! And they speak truth to us and reprimand us best as those who live in close proximity to our sin.
Proverbs 12:15 “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice.”
Despite our best intentions to be wise and receive disciplinary words and opinions, we can often have knee-jerk reactions of defensiveness or hurt. Admonishment can be hard to hear for a variety of reasons, but if we prepare for what we may hear in advance, we will be in a better position to listen and accept reproof:
When words are true, and wisely offered:
When words are true, but unwisely given:
When words are untrue:
“We must put on the character of Christ and be quick to hear, slow to anger, and slow to consider a response (James 1:19).”
When words are true and wisely offered
God often blesses us with a good word in season, and yet our hearts can be ill-prepared ground to receive it. We may have a preconceived notion that all advice from a specific person (perhaps a specific sibling or an in-law) is always burdensome and irrelevant. We may be oversensitive because we are receiving reproach about something that has become an idol in our lives like overeating or laziness. We may simply harbor a pride that makes us very sensitive to any criticism at all, or we may view sin so lightly that others pointing it out is foreign to us.
If you find yourself automatically responding emotionally or sinfully to wise reproach, it is worthwhile to examine your heart and consider what folly may be causing this reaction. I’ll let the Proverb speak truth to our hardened hearts here: “Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates reproof is stupid” (Proverbs 12:1).
When words are true, but unwisely given
There are many ways our fellow sinners can relay truth to us in an unhelpful manner. Just as a fitting reply in due season is good (Proverbs 15:23), an apt response at the wrong time truly feels not good. It is also difficult to hear truth when it is cast out sharply, because rash words pierce like swords (Proverbs 12:18). Others may speak in a tone that is angry or condescending, which can distract from the wise words they are saying.
When this happens, the challenge is to allow the truth to renew our minds despite the vehicle it arrives in. We must put on the character of Christ and be quick to hear, slow to anger, and slow to consider a response (James 1:19). For “A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention” ( Proverbs 15:18). May the slowness of our speech give us an opportunity to receive what is true, and also provide feedback for how our admonisher can speak more wisely in the future.
When words are untrue
Some people may offer opinions and reproof that are genuinely irrelevant or wrong for you. They may even criticize you in a way that is dishonoring to your true character, or is just plain mean. While a variety of untrue speech can come your way, it is important to consider the heart and intent of the speaker. Remember that love hopes all things ( 1 Corinthians 13:7). Perhaps there was a miscommunication, an assumption of motive that was not actually there. Or maybe a parent is nagging you about one issue, when they are really attempting to convey love and care for you. Depending on what the offending speech may be, we do well to remember that it is one’s glory to overlook an offense (Proverbs 19:11).
In some cases, words that are untrue provide us the opportunity to admonish rightly. Particularly if the speech is truly hurtful or if you notice the speaker is following a pattern of sin. It is our responsibility to teach and advise from truth if this is a fellow believer. In this scenario, “let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear” (Ephesians 4:29).
Heed God’s Wisdom Through His People
If we take the time to consider our hearts and ready ourselves for admonishment, we will benefit from the gifts of wisdom God sends to us through his people.
May we heed the Proverbs and look forward to the discipline and admonishment that leads to wisdom, understanding, knowledge, and the path to life. Let us remember the goodness of truth to us who are sinners, saved by mercy and grace, striving to take off the old man and put on the new. Praise God for his Spirit and the true words which aid in that process.
Sharon Jeong Ide is wife to Isaac and mama to Martyn and Teddy in Los Angeles, California. You can find more of her writing, reflections, and homeschool resources at @sharonjeongide on Instagram.
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