Fighting Relational Fear by Cultivating Delight
September 16, 2021 • by Aylin Merck
It happened on several occasions. I would be invited to an event only to realize that a certain friend would be there. My body would tense and my heart would race as I remembered her passive aggressiveness and the weight of her high expectations of me. I would keep my distance and strategize how to avoid her. Other times, when I got a text from her, I would feel anxious to meet her expectations, constantly over-committing and changing my demeanor in order to make her happy.
As I sought to preserve my relationship with her, I was constantly caught between avoidance and people-pleasing.
These responses seem different, but they have the same root: a desire for self-protection. Self-protection is a good gift, a God-given reflex. Our Lord created us to be in a safe relationship with him, and he provided the circumstances for safe relationships with one another and with the world around us. Our desire to be safe一and to feel safe一points to the way things should be.
But as we all know, this world is not always a safe place. We sin and are sinned against. Relationships that should be a place of safety and peace become dangerous minefields to navigate.
The Good and the Bad of Self-Protection
Wrestling with relational pain has a shaping influence on the way we function. Setting self-protective boundaries is good and necessary. We need the Father’s wisdom to evaluate accurately whom we let into our lives and what that looks like.
But our natural bent in relationships is to seek safety by trusting our own wisdom: we fight back, run away, endeavor to please people, judge others, or compete against them. This dark side of self-protection is really a form of fear, and even for those of us who are in Christ, it can still be a visceral response that rules us.
So how do we learn to be ruled by something better than our own wisdom?
“We fight fear by cultivating in our lives the Son’s deep delight and adoration of our Father. ”
Fighting Fear with Fear
I have heard we fight fear by increasing our fear of the Lord. But the idea of fighting fear with fear, even if it is the fear of the Lord, doesn’t sound appealing. Perhaps that’s because we have an incorrect definition of fear.
I love Michael Reeves' definition of the fear of the Lord from his book, Rejoice and Tremble. He says it is "part of the Son's pleasurable adoration of his father; indeed, it is the very emotional extremity of that wonder. It is not the dread of sinners before a holy Judge. It is the overwhelmed devotion of children marveling at the kindness and righteousness and glory and complete magnificence of the Father.”
In light of that definition of the fear of the Lord, I prefer to say that we fight fear by cultivating in our lives the Son’s deep delight and adoration of our Father.
So how can we do that?
1) Believe you have a Father
This may seem basic, but when people hurt us emotionally or physically, we might struggle to feel safe with our Father. This lack of confidence in God can hijack how we relate with others. We feel helpless. We imagine we are on our own and we have to take care of ourselves.
Scripture describes the fatherless as the one who is helpless (Psalm 10:14), but sister, that is no longer us! God’s great help to us in Christ has been to adopt us (Eph. 1:5), assuming joyfully all the responsibilities of fatherhood toward us. We are not fatherless anymore.
I’ve spent a lot of time in the gospel of John this year, studying the relationship between Christ and his Father because I want to understand what Christ has given me. Our oneness with Christ means he’s given us his relationship to the Father. The Son’s rest and trust in the Father is the foundation for everything he was and did here on earth.
And so to think I can trust myself more than I trust my Father stands counter to Christ’s example: “I live by the Father” (John 6:57). That is why I don’t think I can overestimate the importance of believing our at-homeness in God through Christ. At times this work feels agonizing because we have confused what people think about us for how our Father thinks about us.
“People are like grass, but your Father’s for-you-ness lasts forever. Even if you’ve developed sinful coping mechanisms, his mercy and grace guarantee forgiveness when you come to him and confess. ”
When this happens, I encourage you to meditate on Isaiah 51: 12-16. Hear God say to you, “Who are you that are afraid of man that dies? You are my people.” The more you hear his voice, the more the things of earth grow strangely dim. People are like grass, but your Father’s for-you-ness lasts forever. Even if you’ve developed sinful coping mechanisms, his mercy and grace guarantee forgiveness when you come to him and confess.
Depending on the depth of the hurt you’ve suffered, it may be a slow process of constantly (sometimes hourly) reorienting your heart around your Father’s pleasure more than people’s. But don’t give up, my sister. You have the life of the Son in you, enabling you to keep believing that his Father is yours and that you are oh-so-safe in his love.
2) Behold Your Father’s Beauty
What would you say is the one thing you want when you perceive danger? I know I would say, “safety.” But the psalmist makes a surprising statement in Psalm 27. His circumstances are less than ideal一evildoers assail him and he is surrounded by enemies一but he wants one thing: to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord. There he finds his safety (Psalm 27:5).
I am struck by the perspicuity of this solution in times of adversity. Fear can send us spiraling into panic, but beholding beauty can help us regulate our fear. As our enthrallment of God grows, he calms our senses and increases our confidence in his trustworthiness, holiness, and grace.
In his book, Hope: Living Confidently in God, John Crotts says, “Because God is infinite in all of his attributes, those who trust in him have solid assurance of his goodness toward them.”
As you walk through life’s ever-changing circumstances, spend time considering God’s infinite goodness and love. Hunt for evidences of his glory in creation. Meditate on his beautiful works of redemption in history (Psalm 145:5). Remember his kindness throughout your life. Even in the suffering he has allowed in your life, ponder his role and purpose.
Delight Begets Delight
I am trusting my Father for the circumstantial boundaries he set in place in my relationship with my friend. He strengthened me to know how to stay confidently within them with him. He revealed other ways to love her that were not the ones she expected and demanded of me. As I grew in assurance of safety in him, he enabled me to be a conduit of his heart toward her.
Delight begets delight. The Father’s delight in us begets our delight in him. Then it pours out for others as we breathe in his protective love and joyfully move forward in faith.
Aylin Merck is a wife, mom of 3 and writer living in the Middle East. Originally from the Dominican Republic, she has moved cross culturally many times. She is on the endlessly satisfying adventure of knowing God through Christ. Her delight in his union with her is what most spills over in her writing and discipleship interactions. She loves all things theology and counseling, running (even though she is not very fast) and being outside, preferably near a big body of water. You can find her on Instagram.
MORE FROM JOURNEYWOMEN
IMPORTANT NOTE
Journeywomen articles are intended to serve as a springboard for continued study in the context of your local church. While we carefully select writers each week, articles shared on the Journeywomen website do not imply Journeywomen's endorsement of all writings and positions of the authors or any other resources mentioned.
