Three Things Your Pastor’s Wife Wishes You Knew
September 6, 2021 • by Jani Ortlund
You probably know her from afar. Ask anyone from your church and they could point her out to you, that woman your pastor is married to. And you might be curious about her. What does life look like in her family day to day? Is there any way you could get to know her better? As a pastor’s wife for almost 50 years, let me share three insights into what it’s like for her to be married to your pastor--three peeks into her life that could help you build a bridge to her heart.
Sunday is the Hardest Day of Her Week
Her Sunday morning usually starts Saturday as her husband spends time in his study for final Sunday prep, sometimes drawing her in for advice on his sermon. Ray preferred to be at church early each Sunday morning, and I imagine it’s the same for your pastor. The church staff generally meets early for prayer before services begin, and a pastor often likes to do a final check on the building and grounds before his flock starts gathering. Then he needs some time to quiet his own heart before leading his congregation to the Lord.
This means your pastor’s wife feels alone many Saturdays and Sundays. If she has young children, she feels this even more keenly. Single parenting many Saturdays, and then getting the children up, dressed, fed, and to church alone each Sunday morning can be exhausting! Once they arrive, she will need to get her children to their classes or take them into church with her, where she will often sit alone, praying for and silently supporting this man to whom she has committed her whole life.
After the service your pastor’s wife will be busy minding their children while her husband tries to introduce visitors to her. Once she gets the ok from her man, she will head home with the kids and put any finishing touches on the Sunday meal she prepared the night before for that visiting missionary family or those new members who desire and deserve time with the pastor’s family.
Later, on Sunday afternoon she will need gentle honesty as her beloved asks her, “How do you think the ministry went today, darling?” Your pastor is most vulnerable at the close of each Sunday after he has preached his heart out and given himself faithfully in every way he knows how. Your pastor’s wife will want to encourage him both tenderly and truthfully.
“How can you help your pastor’s wife on the hardest day of her week?”
How can you help your pastor’s wife on the hardest day of her week? Try to answer these questions:
Is there any way I could enter into her lonely weekend? A Saturday evening donut run as a breakfast treat for her kids? Meeting her at church to help get the kids to class?
I wonder if she would like to sit with me and my family during the service?
Could I bring a little treat for her kids for after the service so she could join her husband more freely for meeting and greeting others?
What positive comment can I pass along to her about how the Lord is using our pastor to give me more of Jesus week to week?
She May Have Her Guard Up Because of Past Hurts
Many pastor wives receive a variety of suggestions and complaints from church members. Your pastor’s wife needs spiritual insight and wisdom as she tries “to discern what is pleasing to the Lord” (Eph. 5:10) regarding the different comments that come her way. What should she share with her husband? How should she respond to the complainer? What is the Christ-honoring way to deal with this information?
Oftentimes she keeps these conversations tucked inside her own heart, knowing that sharing with her husband will only burden him unnecessarily and may even exacerbate the situation. But it can be very burdensome. I have received much advice aimed at Ray, ranging from how he mispronounced a missionary’s name to which side of his suit jacket he should wear his lapel pin on to what he should preach on next! Oh, it has become wearisome at times.
What can you do? First of all, don’t use your pastor’s wife as a bridge to get information to your pastor, thinking, “I know he is so busy. This will save us all a lot of time.” Truly, it does not save your pastor’s wife time as she talks with you and then prays and ponders over what she should do with your request or criticism. If it is important enough for you to mention to her, then by all means see that your pastor hears it! But from you, not her. Make an appointment to see him and tell him what you think needs to be said. And if it is not that important, then keep it to yourself and pray over it. And if you don’t feel that it is important enough to spend time praying over, then please spare your pastor and his wife. “Whoever restrains his words has knowledge” (Proverbs 17:27).
Every pastor—indeed, I believe every husband—needs one person on the face of this earth who likes him, enjoys him just the way he is, who isn’t trying to fix him. Why not free your pastor’s wife to be that person for your pastor? You can help her, and ultimately strengthen their ministry marriage, by determining not to use your pastor’s wife as a bridge to get to your pastor.
“Every pastor—indeed, I believe every husband—needs one person on the face of this earth who likes him, enjoys him just the way he is, who isn’t trying to fix him. Why not free your pastor’s wife to be that person for your pastor?”
She Needs a Friend
Your pastor’s wife, especially if she is newer to your church, feels lonely at times. Her husband has daily opportunities to develop relationships with church staff and officers. But, while most of the women in the church know who she is, they don’t always understand the difficulty of moving into a church community which has established friendships and traditions that are not always easy to navigate.
Although she may look confident and put together, she most likely feels inadequate and fears she might not have what it takes to nurture a happy ministry marriage. She frets that she might hinder her husband’s ministry rather than help it. She is afraid her kids won’t make a good impression and that her family might be talked about among church members. She wonders, and sometimes even worries, about many things, although she knows her King has invited her to cast all those burdens on him and to be anxious for nothing. (Ask me how I know!)
What could you do to befriend her, and ultimately support her family and your church? Reach out to her. Offer to pick her up for that baby shower. Sit with her at your ladies fellowship meeting. Pray for her and let her know when you do. Try to arrange a playdate with her children. Slip her a little treat when you see her at church—hand lotion or chocolates or a candle or some favorite flavor of tea—with a hug and “I’m glad you are here.”
Don’t expect her to share any church business with you in your times together. Try to relate to her as more than your pastor’s wife. Give her a place where she can talk about her kids or her garden or her heart and feel safe. Treat her as a friend, because that is what she needs.
As you love her through her busy Sundays, her past disappointments and hurts, and enter into a new friendship with her, you will be blessing both her and your church!
Jani Ortlund is a well-known writer and conference speaker. She is the wife of Raymond Ortlund Jr., who is an author, a former seminary professor and pastor, and the president at Renewal Ministries. Jani, a former schoolteacher, holds a Master’s degree in education and serves as executive vice president at Renewal Ministries. The Ortlunds have four children and fifteen grandchildren.
MORE FROM JOURNEYWOMEN
IMPORTANT NOTE
Journeywomen articles are intended to serve as a springboard for continued study in the context of your local church. While we carefully select writers each week, articles shared on the Journeywomen website do not imply Journeywomen's endorsement of all writings and positions of the authors or any other resources mentioned.
