Unforgiveness with Vaneetha Risner
Today we’re starting a brand new series called “Blind Spots.” Here’s the thing about blind spots: they are, by definition, difficult for us to see—we’re blind to them! No matter how much we want to consider our blind spots, we really can’t do it alone. Our aim with this series is to gain the insight of those who are able to see so that they can come alongside us and help us identify and humbly repent of the sins we might be blindly entertaining.
In today’s episode, we’re talking about the blind spot of unforgiveness with my friend Vaneetha Risner. Vaneetha’s story is an incredible testament to the power of looking to the grace of God to enable us to forgive unimaginably difficult offenses. We pray this conversation encourages you to lean on the Lord for the strength to forgive, even when it’s difficult.
INTERVIEW QUESTIONS
What is unforgiveness? What might it look like to live bearing the burden of unforgiveness?
Can you share a little of your story with us? What did unforgiveness look like in your own life?
What happens in us when we refuse to forgive?
How did God use forgiveness to change you? What does God do in us when we forgive?
Is forgiveness a unilateral or a vertical act? Is it dependent on the party who needs your forgiveness?
How does the gospel compel you to forgive?
How does the Lord intertwine his forgiveness with us with our forgiveness of others?
What about reconciliation? Or full restoration? Is that always a component of forgiveness?
How can we lean into God’s help as we seek to forgive others?
What encouragement do you have for those who are currently struggling with unforgiveness?
NOTEWORTHY QUOTES
“I think of unforgiveness as holding on to the right to hurt someone because they’ve hurt us.”
“Forgiveness at its heart is giving up the right to hurt someone for hurting me.”
“Most people have huge hurts that run really deep; it’s when we hold onto them that they hurt us.”
“Every time areas of unforgiveness came up, I would pray to God and ask him to help me release them and not rehearse them…and over time it really changed me.”
“I started asking God every day, ‘Don’t let me be bitter.’”
“When we hold unforgiveness, we are the ones who get hurt.”
“God tells us he has forgiven us; we need to forgive others.”
“There’s a lot of forgiveness that God calls us to, and it’s because he has forgiven us.”
“We have the power as believers to forgive because God has forgiven us. And that's why I think real forgiveness is a Christian concept. The world doesn’t understand forgiveness. It’s ‘I’m going to hold onto my rights.’”
“It is possible because of Jesus. I don’t think I could have forgiven without him.”
“God empowers us to forgive.”
“We are so firmly grafted into Jesus when we take this point of wounding—which is why we need to forgive, because we’ve been hurt, it’s important to acknowledge that—but when we give that to Christ and we bind our hearts to him and we ask him to bind his heart to ours, then it’s his power of forgiveness. All of a sudden the power of the vine comes through the branch, and that’s how we have the power to forgive. It’s because we are grafted into the woundedness of our Savior through that.”
“Forgiveness is a unilateral act. Because I would define forgiveness as refusing to hold onto bitterness and giving up the right to hurt someone because they’ve hurt us. I don’t think forgiveness involves reconciliation or restoration. I think those require a horizontal component; they require repentance to restore and trust and reconcile fully.”
“Most of the things we are called to forgive might not even involve our relationship with the other person; they involve our relationship with Jesus.”
“Forgiveness is not saying it’s okay what the offender did. It’s not minimizing it. It’s not saying there’s no consequences for it. It’s not saying that we’re going to trust again. All of those things require repentance, and even if someone is repentant there are consequences for sin. Forgiveness doesn’t take that away. It’s really the posture of our heart that changes with forgiveness.”
“Believers aren’t called to be walked on or to put themselves in dangerous situations. God gives us wisdom and counsel so that we wouldn’t do that. And yet we wouldn’t be so angry that we keep going over and over how we’ve been wronged.”
“I don’t think somebody who’s been wounded needs to completely keep it to themselves. Find trusted people, ask them to be a mirror for you. Ask them, ‘When do you see me falling into sin?’”
“The gospel compels us to walk in forgiveness because Jesus died for an enormous sin of ours. The ways people have sinned against us really do pale in comparison. But sometimes we don’t see that.”
“Understanding the depth of our own sin and realizing that God carries that and died for that, and so we stand before God justified. So for us to hang on to what other people have done really is smaller. We realize that God is just. God says ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay.’ So it’s not that there’s not going to be justice, it's just that we don't have to take the responsibility for justice. And our forgiveness is not letting them off the hook or saying God’s going to forgive their sin—that’s between them and God. It’s just saying that we are not going to hold onto that because we know how much we’ve been forgiven and we want our relationship with God to be clean and clear.”
“God knows it’s good for us to not hold onto bitterness and unforgiveness. We need to give it to him and trust that he will handle it rightly.”
“Sin will be paid for one way or the other, so knowing that is the case can let us not feel that we need to make the person pay.”
“God has forgiven us so much, and yet we are holding someone accountable for something smaller. But God is going to hold them accountable. We don’t have to.”
“Pray, ‘Jesus you have forgiven me so much. Help me to see what I need to forgive. Help me to see where I’m wrong.’”
“I am able to forgive much more when I'm not convinced I’m right in everything. Because I’m able to see that there is another perspective.”
“Forgiveness has been one of the most life-giving things I have ever done. Aside from committing my life to Jesus, it has changed me more than anything. Because it has helped me keep my eyes on Jesus, because I have to keep going back to him. I am not a natural forgiver; it’s not a one-and-done thing; it is an every day, every time I think of something I have to give it back to God. It requires me to be talking to God, it requires me being in his Word so he can convict me of things and show me things. It has made my walk with God so much sweeter.”
“When God lets me let that go, my prayer time becomes more about Jesus and my walk with him and what he’s teaching me, and JOY. I don’t think bitterness and joy can coexist. Joy and sorrow can coexist. Joy and hurt can coexist. But hurt doesn’t have to become bitterness.”
“Forgiving is not saying that what happened to you is minor.”
“We’re never as much like Christ as when we’re willing to suffer for the sins of others.”
“Don't imagine it’s going to be easy. It’s going to feel like death. But ask God to help you let it go. Ask God to change you. It begins and ends with God.”
“Release rather than rehearse. Every time you want to go over the way you’ve been wronged, give it over to God and say, ‘Help me to not dwell on this.’ Think of the ways that person has been there for you. Ask God to give you compassion.”
Things that might help with the process of forgiveness:
Community: finding trusted people to confide in, to be your mirror
Journaling: working out your feelings and then going back to look at them from a distance
Praying: relying on God, rather than the voices around you, to give wisdom and to guide you in what to do
RESOURCES MENTIONED
Walking Through Fire: A Memoir of Loss and Redemption by Vaneetha Risner
The Scars that Have Shaped Me by Vaneetha Risner
SCRIPTURE REFERENCES
SIMPLE JOYS OF WALKING IN FORGIVENESS
Freedom
A deepened walk with God; when I forgave, I became connected with God in ways I hadn’t before
Peace, sleep, and rest—forgiveness lifts your worry and has helped me sleep better
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
What has it looked like for you to bear the burden of unforgiveness in your life?
What happens in us when we refuse to forgive? What does God do in us when we do forgive?
How, specifically, does the gospel compel you to forgive?
How might you lean into God’s help as you seek to forgive others?
What might you do or implement based on what you learned in this week’s episode?
IMPORTANT NOTE
Journeywomen interviews are intended to serve as a springboard for continued study in the context of your local church. While we carefully select guests each week, interviews do not imply Journeywomen's endorsement of all writings and positions of the interviewee or any other resources mentioned.
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