Gospel Hope in Infertility, Loss, and Unmet Expectations
May 12th, 2022 • by Lauren Bowerman
Entering the doctor's office for another day of tests, ultrasounds, and fertility treatments, I walk past what feels like a cruel parade of women with healthy, rounded bellies. Each one is a beautiful story of life: a gift, a miracle, a blessing.
“Then what does that make me?” I think, “Cursed? Empty? Forgotten?”
A Story of Loss and Longing
For the last several years, our story has been one of unfulfilled longing. Instead of entering my 30s with my arms filled with babies, I entered my next decade with my eyes filled with tears, wondering how long we would be in this place that has felt like a desert of loss and loneliness.
Perhaps you resonate with the specific longing for motherhood. Perhaps you too have felt the monthly cycle of disappointment, the weight of unanswered prayers, the piercing pain of another negative pregnancy test.
Or perhaps your story of loss and longing has looked differently. Maybe you long for a pain-free body, a resolution to long-held relational tension, the end of a long season of singleness, or a balm for the still-open wound from the loss of a loved one.
Learning to Lament
Regardless of what your story holds, at some point you’ve likely bumped up against the brokenness of this life. In a world ransacked by sin and tainted by the fall, there are countless things that could bring you to your knees—maybe even to the brink of despair.
This reality is true for everyone who walks this earth. But as Christians we are called to approach our suffering differently. Not naively, turning away from suffering or ignoring its presence; but also not indulgently, wallowing in grief and following its spiral to despair.
Rather, as Christians, we have access to a particular kind of worship: it’s called lament.
“As Christians, we have access to a particular kind of worship: it’s called lament”
In the early years of my infertility journey, I fought my grief tooth and nail. When the monthly disappointment came and I tended towards sadness, I tried to sharply turn my heart around to the truth. “You know who God is.” I would tell myself, “You know he’s good. Just stop feeling this way,” But in doing this, I was skipping the honest lament, the crying out, and the grieving. I was trying to force my heart to fix on Christ while ignoring the obvious hurt and brokenness.
Over the years I’ve realized the beauty of the pathway of lament. I’ve found that while lament leads us to hope, we must go through grief first. True Christian lament doesn’t ignore the pain and the brokenness of this world. Rather, it acknowledges it, enters into it, and through it draws nearer to the compassionate heart of Christ.
The reason we—as Christians—are able to lament this way is because of the truth we hold to. We can be honestly hurting while being completely full of joy because we know that heaven is on the other side.
Learning to Hope
I sat in my small group a few years ago as one of our group members spoke exuberantly about a phrase that had changed everything for her. “If Christ has been raised…” She spoke the words reverently, urging us to see their truth, “I mean, if you think about it, it changes everything, doesn’t it?”
But I wasn’t convinced. Clouded by my grief, I found myself thinking, “Well yes, I do believe that, but how does the resurrection actually change the hurt I feel? How does it change the actual difficult circumstance I’m in?”
It’s a valid question. How does the resurrection change how we grieve and hope?
“Our hope is not determined by our circumstances; it is secured by the death and resurrection of Christ.”
We Are Citizens of An Eternal Home
As Christians, we grieve differently because even in our hurting we look with hope toward heaven—a hope that is grounded in our resurrected Savior. This doesn’t mean our experiences on earth don’t matter, but it does mean that our hope is not determined by our circumstances; it is secured by the death and resurrection of Christ.
“Hope is heaven’s balm for present sorrow. In this land of dying; it is our blessedness to be looking and longing for our fair portion in the land of the living, whence the goodness of God has banished the wickedness of man, and where Holy Spirits charm with their society those persecuted saints who were vilified and despised among men. We must believe to see, not see to believe; we must wait the appointed time, and stay our soul’s hunger with foretastes of the Lord’s eternal greatness which shall soon be our feast and our song.
- Charles Spurgeon, The Treasury of David
Our Resurrection God Will Redeem All Things
As we look toward our eternal home, we delight in the promise that “everything sad [will] come untrue” (J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings). We can cling to the reality that “heaven, once attained, will work backwards and turn even [our] agony into a glory” (C.S. Lewis, The Great Divorce).
A friend once said to me that he thinks for the first 15-20 years in heaven we’ll just weep at all the specific ways God has redeemed each of our disappointed hopes. When all things are made new, we will no longer feel the griefs of our life on earth; we will only feel awe at the God who was able to make each area of brokenness beautiful and glorious. In this place, there will be no crying or mourning or pain, but the Lord himself will tenderly wipe each tear from our eyes (Revelation 21:4).
Our Resurrected Savior Brings Us Joy Even in Suffering
In Christ we find that our suffering paves the way to joy by driving us toward resurrection hope. This joy isn’t trite or fleeting; it is full and abiding. The resurrection changes everything about how we walk through our grief and hardship on this side of heaven because in Christ, all of our grief is tinged with hope. Our suffering Savior has not only given us the promise of eternal life with him, but what he accomplished on the cross also secured his presence with us here in the midst of our hurt.
If Christ has been raised, we can have joy abundant.
If Christ has been raised, we are not alone in our grief.
If Christ has been raised, we can trust in his redemption of our pain.
If Christ has been raised, we have reason to hope.
RESURRECTION HOPE
Maybe for you—like me—the thorn that pricks you is infertility. Or maybe it’s pregnancy loss, the death of a family member, chronic pain, a prolonged season of singleness, or the heaviness of unmet expectations. Whatever the dark season is for you, God promises to turn your mourning into dancing (Psalm 30:11). But how does he do that? How does he bring joy into a desperate and dark situation?
Because, my friend, in the midst of the real pain of these situations, God himself is with you. It is because of the nearness of his presence that even in the midst of your affliction you can have joy (Psalm 16:11).
May we say in our waiting, our loss, and our pain, that we wait not for an answered prayer or a change in circumstance, but that we wait longingly for more of Jesus. And as we wait, may we look continually to the true gospel hope we have in our resurrected Savior.
Verses of Comfort
Below are a few verses that I pray might bring you comfort in the midst of the season you are walking through. Consider writing one of these down on a notecard and taping it to your mirror; or perhaps commit one of these passages to memory. May God’s Word be a balm to your soul and a reminder of the hope we have.
1 Peter 1:6-7 “In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.”
Isaiah 65:24 “Before they call I will answer; while they are yet speaking I will hear”
Psalm 18:6 “In my distress I called upon the Lord; to my God I cried for help. From his temple he heard my voice, and my cry to him reached his ears”
Romans 8:28 “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose”
Isaiah 43:19 “Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert”
John 16:33 “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”
Psalm 42:5 “Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation”
Lamentations 3:21-27 “But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope:
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in him.”
The Lord is good to those who wait for him,
to the soul who seeks him.
It is good that one should wait quietly
for the salvation of the Lord.
It is good for a man that he bear
the yoke in his youth.”
2 Corinthians 4:16-18 “So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.”
Psalm 86:11 “Teach me your way, O LORD, that I may walk in your truth; unite my heart to fear your name.”
Psalm 63:3 “Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you.”
2 Corinthians 9:8 “And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work.”
Psalm 25:4-5 “Make me to know your ways, O Lord; teach me your paths. Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you I wait all the day long”
1 Peter 5:7 “casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.”
Ephesians 2:1-10 “And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience— among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.”
Longer passages of comfort:
Isaiah 43
Psalm 1
Psalm 16
Psalm 23
Psalm 27
Psalm 61
Psalm 77
Psalm 121
Psalm 123
Lauren Bowerman is a writer and a wife to Matthew. She has called many cities, states, and countries home, and it is this transient lifestyle that led her to receive a Masters in Christian & Intercultural Studies from Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary. Lauren is passionate about writing on the intersection between grief and faith, specifically on how God’s goodness and grace has met her in seasons of depression, doubt, and infertility. You can find her on her blog and on Instagram.
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