Single, But Not Alone
December 9, 2021 • by Jenilyn Swett
“Mom, is Miss Jenilyn all alone?”
My 4-year-old friend Caleb’s question, asked as he and his mom were driving around town one day, isn’t uncommon in my experience. When you’re a kid and your world consists of a married mom and dad and some brothers and sisters, the seemingly “all alone” Miss Jenilyn just doesn’t quite fit into a category. One young friend, upon visiting my apartment, asked, “But where does your daddy sleep?” These innocent curiosities make me chuckle, and my heart swells with the joy of being loved by these precious little ones.
Truthfully though, Caleb’s question is one I’m prone to ask myself from time to time. Am I all alone as I make big life decisions? Am I alone in the ache of loneliness, rejection, and disappointment? Am I alone as I battle temptations towards self-pity, idolatry, selfishness, and despair?
When I look to the future, wondering what my later years will look like if I remain single, this question can become a deep fear. Will I be all alone as I age? If you’re single, do you find yourself asking questions like this too? How have you answered them?
I Can’t Live Faithfully Alone
For me, there are moments, days, weeks when it feels like the answer to these questions is “yes, I’m alone!” However, I just turned 40, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned in nearly two decades as a single adult, it’s that I cannot live this single life alone, and God does not expect me to. From the very beginning, God saw that man could not faithfully fulfill his calling alone—and just as he provided Eve to partner with Adam, he’s given us many relationships through which we can pursue faithfulness together (Gen. 2:15-23). Living faithfully, whether in singleness or in marriage, is nothing short of a corporate endeavor. Let’s consider some of the relationships God has provided for us.
“I just turned 40, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned in nearly two decades as a single adult, it’s that I cannot live this single life alone, and God does not expect me to. ”
The Church
The apostle Paul describes the church in a number of different ways: it’s the body of Christ (1 Cor. 12:12-27), the household of God (Gal. 6:10), and a family (1 Tim. 5:1-2). As Christians, belonging to the church is an essential part of how we live out and grow in our faith. As single people, this sense of belonging is particularly meaningful, and the church becomes a place and a people we can depend on, and where others can depend on us. Whether we’re an eye, an ear, or a baby toe, we have a necessary function in the body of Christ, and the church would not be the same without us. In the household of God, we have a seat at the table (at the grown-ups’ table, no less!). And in the family of God, we have spiritual brothers and sisters, mothers and fathers, and sons and daughters.
Church isn’t always easy for single people. We can feel overlooked or undervalued, excluded or taken advantage of. But in a healthy church, single people can grow in the knowledge and love of the Lord, and have the opportunity to flourish in relationships and meaningful service. The church can also be a place for us to put down roots and walk through the ups and downs of life with individuals and the church as a whole. I’ve known what it’s like to be loved well by a church in my singleness, and it’s my hope and prayer that our churches and ministry leaders will continue learning how to love and serve single people well, even as we learn to love and serve the church.
It’s in the church, too, that we have the opportunity to cultivate relationships with the younger generation, like my buddy Caleb. Whether holding babies in the nursery or volunteering with the youth group or simply learning the names and interests of a few children in our church community, we can come alongside parents to encourage them and offer our younger brothers and sisters another example of what faithful living can look like in adulthood (Titus 2:1-8).
Friendships
Have you ever heard the words of Ruth 1 quoted at a wedding? “Where you go, I will go, and where you stay, I will stay. Your people will be my people, and your God my God….” (Verse 16, NIV). I certainly have, but it was only after hearing them at many weddings that I realized that these words weren’t originally said in the context of a marital relationship, nor even a family relationship. They were spoken by Ruth to Naomi, a promise made from one friend to another.
While most of us aren’t following our friends to foreign lands, Scripture places a high value on friendship (John 15:13-15; Prov. 17:17; 18:24). Cultivating friendships has been essential for me in singleness. I need friends to laugh and cry with, who will pick me up from the airport and take care of me when I’m sick, who will help me process through important decisions, who know me and my story intimately, and who will hold me accountable and remind me of the truth of who I am in Christ. In these close friendships, I have the opportunity to both receive and give sacrificial love.
Friendship doesn’t always come easily in adulthood, and it can be especially challenging as life stages diverge. But the reality is that whether single or married, we all need friends who will share life with us, point us to Jesus, and even carry us to him at times (Mark 2:1-12). It’s worth the effort, sacrifice, vulnerability, and perseverance needed to cultivate these relationships and enjoy their fruit.
“Cultivating friendships has been essential for me in singleness.”
Father, Son, and Holy Spirit
In John 14-15, as Jesus spent his last evening with his disciples before his crucifixion, he spoke to them about the intimate relationship between his Father, the Holy Spirit, and himself. The relationship the three members of the Trinity have with one another reminds us that as bearers of God’s image (Gen. 1:27), we are meant to be relational. We are interdependent on one another as humans, and we are also dependent on the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
The loving presence and purposeful work of each of these three is such good news for us, especially in singleness. When our churches and friends fail us, when we face temptation, when rejection breaks our hearts, Jesus—himself a single man—identifies with our suffering (Isa. 53:3-4; Heb. 4:14-16). When we feel alone, are tempted towards despair, or look for salvation in something other than Jesus, the Holy Spirit reminds us of what is true (John 15:26-27). And when we question our worth, fear scarcity, cry out in lament, or humbly repent, the Father is ready and waiting to pour out his love and comfort (2 Cor. 1:3; Eph. 3:14-21; 1 John 3:1-3).
The more single years I’ve lived, the more the promise and experience of God’s presence with me has become a true source of help and hope, not just a trite cliché. I pray the same might be true for you as well.
My Final Answer
So if I had been sitting in the van with Caleb when he asked this question, I would have answered him with the truth, and it would have gone something like this: “Caleb, of course I’m not all alone! I have you, and your family, and all of our friends at church. And even when I’m all by myself, Jesus is with me, so I’m still not all alone!” Then he would have shrugged, said, “Okay!” and quickly changed the subject to Star Wars. And I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.
Jenilyn Swett is the author of the recently-released devotional Singleness: Living Faithfully. She received her MDiv from Covenant Theological Seminary and serves as the Director of Adult Ministries at Restoration Community Church (PCA) in St. Louis. She enjoys practicing creative hospitality, exploring local restaurants, baking, and dreaming of the beach.
MORE FROM JOURNEYWOMEN
IMPORTANT NOTE
Journeywomen articles are intended to serve as a springboard for continued study in the context of your local church. While we carefully select writers each week, articles shared on the Journeywomen website do not imply Journeywomen's endorsement of all writings and positions of the authors or any other resources mentioned.
